“What you are, the world is. And without transformation, there can be no transformation of the world.” —J. Krishnamurti

My mentor, Dr. Brugh Joy, wrote the following in 1996: “The holy call is a revelation, an inner prompting, a vision, causing an individual to turn from a personal, self-centered, and superficially expressed life to that of a servant of the divine. The numinosity of such a transcendent call is often of such a magnitude that the individual experiences a rupture of his or her life. He or she is cast into a vaster consciousness, and often acts with the sense of extreme vulnerability and wounding brought on by the leaving behind— and therefore the betrayal of—everything that had previously held primary value in the individual’s personal life. The members of the family, circle of friends, professional colleagues, and organizations threatened by such a disruption may exert extreme pressure to reform the called one. And, failing that, to ignore or, worse yet, to cast out the ‘misguided’ individual. The effect of the spiritual call- to cause a transformation, of varying degrees, of both the individual and the collective-completes the divine intention.”

As a Caucasian male growing up in a politically conservative and traditionally Christian environment, I was offered a certain implied vision of life which I accepted without great debate. It was further substantiated in my time at West Point, in the military, and in my years of practicing medicine. In this paradigm, the majority rules. Men have certain duties and responsibilities to God, country, and family. Although there are exceptions, it is a masculine dominated world. “Upstanding” people follow a well-defined Christian path to earn the love and the good grace of a loving if jealous God. Other religious systems are flawed, and those believing in them are doomed. These beliefs were the bedrock underlying a tribal vision. My views have shifted, radically in some cases. I will never again accept secular beliefs when they create polarities and support divisiveness. Despite great inertia pushing relentlessly from contrasting sides, we must look for common ground. I truly believe: love bears all things.

“What you are, the world is. And without transformation, there can be no transformation of the world.” —J. Krishnamurti

I have lived my life with a certain ethos. I have tried to do my best, to be kind to others, to earn a decent living, and to be a good family man. I have not been anything close to perfect, but intent has been consistent. Growing up during the Civil Rights movement, I saw myself as fiscally conservative, but socially sophisticated. I believed that all are created with equal rights and fully acknowledged that there is discrimination in our culture that manifested in many forms. I felt that many of the public struggles of women, gays, and racial minorities were legitimate, but I had little time and less energy to offer to the dialogue. Although I was sympathetic, I had no compelling reason to become active in those movements. I was also aware of stories about an emerging transgender narrative. That felt different at some level, but, again, I was too busy taking care of a large medical practice, and trying to get home each night to a family. It was a very narrow, entitled, and pejorative view of the world. That all changed in 2013.

In the spring of 2013, I had a clear revelation that I was, and always had been, a woman. This inner prompting was unanticipated, yet extremely clear. Sitting in my vacation home in the idyllic West Indies, something deep within me said very plainly: “I am a woman.” It was a clear message, and with it came an imperative to do something about it. I had had similar prompts encouraging me to go to West Point and to enter medicine as a vocation. This was clearer, more forceful, and was of a much higher order of magnitude. Subsequently, I began to experience dysphoria or an uneasiness about my gender. I had an intense need to experience myself as a woman. I had had brief glimpses of this process throughout my life, but, the force and power of the feeling that presented was immense. I felt completely lost.

Over the next two years, I educated myself about gender. I cannot say with clarity what “transgender” is. It is an extremely complex condition that seemingly involves the psyche, physical body, emotions, and spirit in varying degrees. Little is reported in the medical literature. There are few studies about the long-term effects of hormones, and fewer on the possible genetic underpinnings. The bible of psychiatry, DSM-IV, classified it as a pathologic condition. Although this changed in the most recent edition, there is a whole generation raised on the belief that it is a psychiatric illness.

In 2017 there were sixty-two books newly listed on Amazon about transgender issues. These speak to a variety of subjects and obstacles faced in transition, in living, and in integration of skill sets. There are now multiple feature-length films and documentaries that address the process. The take home: there is no singular transgender experience. There are thousands of variations in time of presentation, depth of dysphoria, and in the variability of gender expression. The only common modifier is this: a distinct feeling of being uncomfortable with one’s birth gender. In my own journey, the dysphoria became crippling later in life and did not dissipate until I began hormone therapy.

This inner call was not simply a physiological process. There was a spiritual underpinning to it. I certainly had dysphoria, which was a very intense physical experience, but there was something deeper that shifted in my psyche. Having been in recovery for alcohol issues for over twenty years, the spiritual terrain was not foreign to me. I had a regimen of prayer and meditation that had been rigorously developed on a daily basis over the course of decades. I had a decent grasp of what the recovery literature calls a “Higher Power”. Suddenly, though, after many years of attending twelve-step meetings, sponsoring others within that venue, and following the precepts as best I could, there was a deep call to become more committed to something I can only describe as “numinous”. The spiritual guides that I had become familiar with during my many years of sobriety suddenly, unexpectedly, and clearly, wanted to become more intimate. Something called to me, and I knew that I had to answer. It was that simple.

Subsequently, I have come to believe that one of my major life purposes is to use my experience and resources to help educate others about the transgender journey. I initially tried to ignore the prompt, as the media is full of stories about transgender individuals losing family, jobs, security, and safety. It is well documented that the pressures generated by such an odd process can wreck life-long relationships, affiliations, and commitments. Despite my protestation and attempts to ignore it, the inner voice became more insistent. It was only when I let go of my resistance that I found clear evidence that from an early point in my life I had known at some level that I was a woman. The inner prompting thus was an “awakening” to something that I had been born with.

The spiritual guides that I had become familiar with during my many years of sobriety suddenly, unexpectedly, and clearly, wanted to become more intimate. Something called to me, and I knew that I had to answer. It was that simple.

The commitment to act has created great havoc in many areas of my life. Dr. Joy’s descriptive could not be more cogent. Family, friends, colleagues, and organizations have threatened me with an array of pressures. Most have been made with the intent to coerce recapitulation of my narrative or a return to my former identity. As a result, the last year has been one of disruption, confusion, and sorrow. But, in this darkness, there has been the gift of a great light. Such calling comes with blessings as well as the curses that I have suggested. Central among them is this: despite all the negative inertia and insults, I know who I am, what I am, and how I am to serve. This certain knowledge is a beacon, and it continues to provide a daily orientation that keeps me on an authentic, if unusual, path. It has also opened in me a great sense of compassion. I volunteer at a clinic that initiates hormonal therapy for transgender patients. I feel the pain and experience the despair of these people in ways I never could nor would have before.

I have had the gift of living among many brave souls. With such great teachers and with such sacred prompting can I be anything but transparent about my experience of living? I am hopeful that my journey will awaken compassion in those mystified, unsettled, and completely against all things “transgender”. At the core, I am not an anomaly, not an abomination. I am a human who has lived a decent life trying to do the best that I can with what I have. I am a commoner and one among. And, if we as a culture are to get past the polarities that politicize and create so much divisiveness, rancor, and hate, then we must awaken to the things that we have in common. I hope my journey demonstrates a negotiable topography. The twists and turns on this tortuous path are understandable from a certain height. By elevating the dialogue of this odd experience, I pray something completely novel can be accepted as valid and legitimate. By using such technique, I am convinced that transformation on an individual and collective basis can be fostered. One thing is clear: our survival depends on this process.

Sheila Grace Newsom, M.D., is a published author, public speaker, successful entrepreneur, experienced producer and lifelong student. Her diverse background provides the framework for her calling to help people find happiness using the tools they already possess. With a military background, including graduation from West Point and service as an Airborne Ranger, she spent 22 years in private practice focusing on nephrology and critical care. Undergoing treatment for alcohol addiction brought her face-to-face with the fragility of life; her own and others. Sober for over twenty-six years, she retired from practice in 2011 and did philanthropic work in Uganda. In 2018 she legally changed her name from Gary Don to Sheila Grace. That same year she authored and published A Calling from the Bones. Composed of thirty vignettes, it is a life narrative. Her creative endeavors also include serving as executive producer of an IDA nominated film, Vultures of Tibet, and Iron Orchard, a feature-length film directed by Ty Roberts. Sheila has also done transgender-focused medical work as a volunteer at Kind Clinic. She is currently a student in the M.A./Ph.D. program in Depth Psychology at Pacifica Graduate Institute with concentration in Jungian and Archetypal Studies.

Words: Dr. Shiela Grace Newsom M.D.

This story has been edited for clarity.

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Dr. Sheila Grace Newsom